Every Sunday I swim laps with my exercise partner. We get to the aquatic center ten minutes before it opens so we can grab a lane.
Two Sundays in a row we have been joined in our lap by a young Asian mommy who swims without wetting her hair, doing a really wimpy breaststroke. Last week we accomodated her, trying to "swim circles" with her, or at least X's around her.
Today it seemed dang pushy for her to disrupt our routine again. After all, we get there early, swim our half hour, and leave. Can she not wait the ten minutes until we are finished? We would do the same for her. Why our lane? Could she butt in on somebody else this time?
Enter stage right the old fat guy in the Speedo and the blue swim cap, looking straight out of "Sherman's Lagoon". He is in the next lane over, and he feels morally righteous in pulling us aside to explain that we need to "swim circles" so nobody gets hurt. Right. The woman swims at a different speed. She always picks the All Girl lane to butt in. I tell the old fat guy in the Speedo that he is welcome to invite her over to his lane to "swim circles", but otherwise it's not his deal. He swims off. He is a guy. Guys don't swim circles with wimpy breaststroke mommies. Eat my dust, he seems to flutter kick.
His lane partner finishes. The wimpy mommy could have waited for this spot, of course. But, no. I duck under the lane divider to share the lane with the old fat guy in the Speedo while my buddy shares with the wimpy mommy (1) and an additional wimpy mommy (2). I swim the hardest and fastest I've done in at least ten years, leaving the old fat guy choking on my wake. I'm not sorry when I accidentally kick him during a frogkick lap.
Old fat guys in Speedos should not mess with menopausal women. I'm thinking Ursula the Sea Witch could be my next role model.
Please review the instructions for Walrus Anger Management!
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