Showing posts with label NPR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NPR. Show all posts

9/1/12

My watermelon tastes like chlorine...

Individual watermelons make me mildly cheerful, so I brought one home from Market Street on Sunday afternoon.  It's been a hectic few days, but last evening I halved the melon and made melon balls with my trusty Tupperware utensil. That's as sharp as an object as I should hold during the GOP convention broadcasts.

Usually I give a third of a watermelon to my elderly snaggle-toothed neighbor. Put a good portion into a covered container for Wild Bill, and lunchbox servings in small Rubbermaid lunch containers.

At lunch I very slowly noticed that I wasn't enjoying the watermelon. I tried to ID the problem, and finally figured out there was a chlorine taste to the fruit. If the outside of a melon is washed with chlorinated water, can the taste permeate the inside?

True, I listened to a Diane Rehms show about food safety regulations recently. It focused on listeria in cantaloupes. I looked up the transcript:


MARLER

10:24:06
Well, you know, it is like almost every other outbreak that I deal with. There are mistakes that are made in production. In this instance, there was not chlorinization (sic) of the water, which is -- you know, frankly, I think under anybody sets of rules, under anybody sets of regulations, those would've been, you know, put out by the FDA. And, in fact, you know, the regulations or the voluntary regulations the FDA has has those in them, and they just chose not to do it.

So now I've got a lot of melon balls that I'm not all that anxious to eat. I won't be giving them to my neighbor. Perhaps their best use is as photographer's models.

A happier discovery was the 100 Gallons project at UNC-Chapel Hill's Powering A Nation. I found the project through Kelly Izlar's blog post "Smelling the Rain", a delightful, evocative, and informative piece.

One hundred gallons is the average amount of water used by each person everyday in the U.S.  Check out the wonderful interactive film, and sample some of the journalistic storytelling and intriguing videos. Eventually I'll sample some of the more scientific sections at the site.
© 2012 Nancy L. Ruder

8/22/12

Slapping current events


For once an idiotic politician has disgraced himself and NOT been from Texas.  Don't you just want to slap that legitimate jerk?

Unfortunately we are living in our own news story, the West Nile Virus. Collin County had its first West Nile death yesterday. Texas has something like 580 cases of West Nile and over twenty deaths. Am I freaking? Nope. I just wish I was better at slapping the mosquito that's in my condo.  It's lurking in wait like Inspector Clouseau's servant Cato Fong  for me to arrive home from work.


Check out West Nile info for your state here. I love USGS maps...

This map does not show the great grey-green greasy Limpopo River where the Elephant's Child went after all his relatives slapped and spanked him for his 'satiable curtiosity.


O, best Beloved, remember how the Elephant's Child kept eating melons and throwing the rinds about?  There I was trapped in the Buick in bad traffic listening to Diane Rehm and her guests discuss contaminated cantaloupes and food safety enforcement.  Listeria...salmonella...ecoli...

And for a D'oh! head slap, I salute the United States Postal Service for its over-estimation of Simpsons stamps demand.


© 2012 Nancy L. Ruder

7/10/12

Purple berries and canaries

Thought I'd lost Nedda! When did the print on cd spine labels get so tiny? If you can't spy your "Pagliacci" recording with your little eye are you getting old?

What goes first?  The first thing to go is the memory?  The hearing?  The eyesight?  No. The first thing must have been participation in pop culture. I dropped out sometime before Michael Jackson lost his glove and Madonna got her training bra.  I was too busy raising sons to tune the radio dial.

Told friends I saw David Crosby and Stephen Stills at an Independence Day event.  Their response was, "Oh, yeah, wasn't Crosby the sperm donor for Melissa Etheridge's children?"  Well, yes, if Jerry Garcia was primarily a necktie designer.

So, this is what happens. You age. You like opera and oldies, and think drinking coffee from a "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" coffee cup might make you smart enough to solve Will Shortz's crossword puzzle. You remember Watergate like it was yesterday, but can't remember when you changed the filter for your Brita pitcher. The only thing that keeps you climbing back up the trail is dread of imposing on your kids making them haul you on a makeshift stretcher back to the car.




Say, can I have some of your purple berries?


Yes.  I've been eating them for six or seven weeks now, haven't got sick once.


Probably keeps us both alive.

 © 2012 Nancy L. Ruder

1/25/12

and outside the window, falling rain

Directed elsewhere.  Looking for information about fingers and toes in the final stages of life.  Instead I found myself reading "Aristotle" by Billy Collins.

Dad held his left side with his right hand when he wasn't raising that arm to help clear his airways.  He got down a 4 oz. protein shake in tiny sips.  His fingers look oddly red inside a translucent skin--raw hamburger in a latex glove.

An elephant crashing through the roof? Should I go upstairs expecting a leaking disaster?  We had five inches of rain since school dismissal Tuesday.  It seems better to stay downstairs in the condo and ignorant.

Swallowing a bit better, Dad got down three ounces of applesauce with cinnamon.  The thunder and rain bands have move east.

The tv news is all about half-submerged SUVs under flooded overpasses.  Soggy upholstery unanticipated.  Weather reports unconsulted.  Preschoolers arriving in capri pants and short sleeves.  An elephant crashing?  Be forewarned and forearmed in prophylactic attire.  Dang cold in the sharp wind and mist at school dismissal.  Oh, did you mean that weather was for moi????

The preschoolers would love it if I read The Piggy In the Puddle every single afternoon.  The repetition helps them feel confident, and the language lights up all sorts of little twinkly synapses.  The piggy is in the very merry middle of the muddy little puddle, diving way down derry.  The preschoolers chime in, "What you need is lots of SOAP!"

The piggy may also be in the middle of a January NPR pledge drive.  Wait, wait!  Life is one long pledge drive, and then you finally meet your matching challenge grant?  

© 2011 Nancy L. Ruder

11/30/11

Signs in the sky point to Sibelius



Odd fire-breathing clouds at sunset Tuesday.  Tipped in a feathery spectrum they swirled,, more dragon than rush hour cloud.   Thought I might be hallucinating in the left turn lane with NPR broadcasting an obituary feature about Stalin's daughter, Svetlana. Was this a Lone Star State occurrence of the aurora borealis?  


No good photography options, without causing a traffic accident.  Finally pulled into the parking lot of a Methodist megachurch, and got a few shots.


Not entirely crazy.  Our high school Health Ed. teacher/basketball assistant coach warned us about psychedelic flashbacks.  Beginning to think there should have been warning labels about assistant basketball coaches instead.. The t.v. weather news dude explained that ice crystals in the clouds caused the odd prismatic atmospheric effects.  Not Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.  More Sibelius in the orchestra room with icicles and violas.


Sibelius in deep slogging frigid depression opening into an aurora borealis of redemption, hey, what was that piece?  Love that my high school carpool friend wrote back immediately:  


I'm pretty sure it was Symphony No. 2 probably the 4th movement.  





Not Sibelius in a Finnish funk.  Not John Lennon.  Just Lyle Lovett in the cd player singing Guy Clark's perfect fire-breathing quiet song, "Step Inside This House":

Hold this piece of glass
Up to the light comin' through the door
It's a prism glass I found on the road
Can you see that little rainbow
Well it's not really a prism I guess
It just broke a funny way
I was on my way from Texas
Headed for L.A.





© 2011 Nancy L. Ruder

8/14/11

Yma preschool teacher

Every year at this time I download my class roster and choke when I read the names.  This breaks the cycle of nightmares I have every summer about my first job in the hospital kitchen.  That's the nightmare where I've forgotten to check my work schedule and have failed to show up for my shift for about thirty-five years now, accumulating black marks all the while.


Now I can go into the back-to-school nightmare cycle.  On the first day of school we will sit around the Big Rug and introduce ourselves by saying our name and our age.  I read the downloaded roster and gauge how much of the semester I'll be tongue-tied.  Ian, this is Aymen.  Aymen, Ian. Aymen, this is Iman, Iman, Aymen. Ian, Iman. Iman, Ian.  Ava, this is Anson. Anson, Ava, Anson, Iman.  Iman, Anson.  Anson, please meet Ethan.  Ethan, Anson.  Ian, Ethan. Ethan, Ian....


That is why I dredge up Thomes Meehan's short story, "Yma Dream"  from the February 24, 1962 New Yorker * each August and laugh until root beer shoots out my nose.  I check out Christine Baranski's reading of the story on Selected Shorts Volume XVI:  Fictions for Our Times at my library.  And just by the way, thank heaven for libraries. Should I ever become a grandma, and ABSOLUTELY NO RUSH on that, guys, I'ma hoping for some baby names that don't start with vowels.





*ABSTRACT: In this dream, which the writer has had on the night of the full moon for the past 3 months, he is giving a cocktail party in honor of Yma Sumac, the Peruvian singer. Since all of his guests seem to know him rather intimately & do not know one another, Miss Sumac suggests that he introduce the guests only by their first name. The guests are: Ava Gardner, Abba Eban, Oona O'Neill, Ugo Betti, Ona Munson, Ida Lupino, the young Aga Khan, Ira Wolfert, Ilya Ehrenburg, Eva Gabor, & Uta Hagen. Complications arise when he has to make the introductions. "Yma, Uta; Yma, Ava; Yma, Oona; Yma, Ona; Yma, Ida; Yma, Ugo; Yma, Abba; Yma, Ilya; Yma, Ira; Yma, Aga; Yma, Eva." Miss Sumac becomes annoyed. The circle of guests move menacingly toward the writer. When the bell rings & it is the Polish concert pianist, Mieczyslaw Horszowski, the dream ends.


© 2011 Nancy L. Ruder

7/31/11

Spelling Man and time in a bottle

Pretty sick of hearing the phrase "time is running out" regarding the debt ceiling debate.  Time, though, is of the essence, or at least a recurring theme this weekend.  So let's share a brief horological moment. Horology? Yes, indeed:


horology Look up horology at Dictionary.com  


science of time, 1819, probably from Gk. hora “hour” (see hour) + -logy. Earlier it meant “clock, clock dial” (c.1500), from L. horologium. Related: Horologist.
Spelling Man phoned the library yesterday, and it was my good etymological fortune to answer his call. Spelling Man wondered how to spell the name of an antique French country clock that chimes on the hour for prayer, and again a minute later to signal the end of prayer.  Spelling Man seemed insulted when I asked if it was a domed clock.  No, like a grandfather clock! It was difficult to distinguish the consonant sounds as he pronounced them, and also French.  I know Spelling Man was not impressed, but a quick search of the reference desk dictionary provided no answer.  I would have to find some references for antique French clocks and call Spelling Man back with an answer.

Books in the 749 Dewey category had pages that crumbled at my touch, but I eventually found the word "Morbier".  Could that be Spelling Man's clock?  Later online searching confirmed that Morbier clocks had the prayer chimes described by Spelling Man:


Another unusual feature that Morbiers have is that they strike twice on the hour: for example, at 6:00, the clock strikes six times, and at 6:02, the clock strikes six times again. My understanding is that the first strike was a call to prayer and the second strike was to indicate when to begin prayer. The clock also strikes once on the half hour. The religious tradition seen here dates back to the 12th Century, when most clocks were built for churches. People listened to the church bells to know what time it was, when to pray, and when to eat. The plates holding the gears together in Morbier clocks are somewhat similar in design and construction to the medieval church tower clocks, made of strips of forged iron, as if the Morbier clocks were small versions of the great tower clocks. 


Every library has a Spelling Man who calls with impatient requests.  I'm not sure how many library staffers return the call to be answered by an automated sexy-voiced virtual assistant named "Sharon". This seemed straight out of a Clive Cussler novel.  And, okay, here I must admit my firm belief that reading a Dirk Pitt book keeps my airplane safe when I am a passenger if I also drink Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary mix with my peanuts.

A friend recently visited Munich and brought these postcards of the famous clock tower glockenspiel. The cards turned up under the newspaper comics section where Bizarro showed a man strapping a cellphone to his wrist with Velcro so he could tell time.

It is time, indeed, to clean up the stacks of papers around the condo! But first we must dust the cobwebs off the condo debt ceiling...  And that will take at least a five-hour energy drink.


Should we turn back the hands of time, or keep fretting?  Maybe we could encourage our dang congresspersons to work together by playing Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle" on a continuous loop at loud volume in their chambers until they find a solution.


But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with


What hands?  What time? What bottle?


This link is to an NPR interview with Howard Mansfield about his book, Turn and Jump: How Time and Place Fell ApartTime is a strange, abstract, evolving concept. We all know people for whom time stands still or slows to accommodate their over-booked schedules.  Perhaps they are horologymnasts. But they better not make the economy jump through hoops.


© 2011 Nancy L. Ruder

6/10/11

Wait, wait! Don't wash me.

Sadly today I say goodbye to the ancient Kenmore. Sadly because it handled giant loads and saw me through the heavy tie-dye textile art and sweaty teen son era.  Sad, also $pending money on $omething so grown-up and boring.  Waving goodbye right to left, as the Kenmore lid opened to the left. Body memory must be retrained because the new washer opens front to back.

For way too long sweaters have whispered, "Don't wash me in hot," from deep in the laundry hamper.  The Kenmore refused to fill with cold water no matter the threats or incentives.

W is the letter of the week.  Waiting for washer delivery?  The Home Depot delivery guys were great.  In a 10-2 window they called at 9:40, arrived at 10:02, and were gone by 10:07.  I'd gotten up early to clear a path for them.  The condo is a skinny place with many obstacles.


Wow what filthy floors you have! Red Riding told wolf to trot on over to Albertsons for some Swiffer wets.  There were creepy/fuzzy things under that old washing machine, predating our move into this condo in 2000.



Staying wide awake for Mavs NBA Finals games has been wicked difficult.  Flashbacks to childhood piano lessons were even worse ...  Go down to the levee.  I said to the levee....  Had to sing to myself, "It's simply great, mate, waiting for  the Dirk Nowitzki."
I sang a worse verse about Wiley and the turkey meat treats. Welcome, my new grandpuppy!  Isn't Wiley just the smartest widdle wuzzum?


Wait, wait!  A month ago I walked without a pedestrian green toward the old NPR headquarters.  Did the ATM dispense Morning Edition mugs?

Wonder of wonders, my opera buddy found discount tickets to the Bruce Wood Dance Project performance tomorrow evening.  I'm whirling in anticipation!

Agitating.

Rinsing.

Spinning.

Way cool!


© 2011 Nancy L. Ruder

1/14/11

Prate vs. prattle

All Questions Resented, weekdays at five p.m. and weekends anytime.  Dad doesn't like questions.  At all.  Any more.  I Q.  He won't A.  He has no Qs for me.  Tricky breaking the conversational ice in this deep freeze.  Dad sits with his back to me in his wheelchair.  If I move, he moves.

After forty-five minutes feeling unwelcome, I put on my coat.  Without looking at me Dad says, "Please don't go so soon."  I take off my coat, and try a new tactic.  Dad always complains about his children talking on and on, or, apparently worse, philosophizing. 

I'm pretty desperate, so I ponder aloud the possibilities for an elephant clay project with the elementary students, brainstorm the art update for the school newsletter, and report on the class rabbit's earwax problems.  Thank heaven for the recent discovery of the oldest wine-making operation in Armenia, because Dad doesn't want news of disasters, either natural or manmade.  He barely tolerates capsules of my campaign sign removal campaign and blue bag letter-writing effort.  He says "no news is good news" about my sons.  (That part is true, as they are busy and self-sufficient adults.)

Somehow, we survive another forty-five minutes of togetherness.  His supper tray arrives.  I open the packet of pepper and the tiny tub of butter.  He doesn't want either, of course.  He is tired of my chatter, or is it prattle?  At least I didn't babble, but it was getting close.

prat-tle  --intr.  To talk idly or meaninglessly; babble.  --tr.  To utter in a childish or silly way.  --n. Childish or meaningless sounds; babble.  Good grief, it is a [Frequentative of PRATE]!  Isn't that like prune juice?

prate  --intr.  To talk idly and at great length; chatter.  --tr.  To utter idly or to little purpose.  --n.  Empty, foolish, or trivial talk.

Now I'm ready for a glass of 6100 year old wine!

© 2010 Nancy L. Ruder

9/4/10

Vision, focus, lighting, heat

I spy with my gecko eye the reason why in this digital age we still need poetry. Does the camera lie? Is vision not from our eye? Does the subject defy the abilities of our camera?  Are tweaking efforts doomed to fall short of reality?



Leaving school on a blazing afternoon at five p.m., the North Texas sky was dramatic.  Thunderheads were building like weightless popcorn, but the chance of real raindrops from those clouds was next to nothing.  The camera image is way too chilly of a blue, and the clouds look too dark to taunt me with no measurable precipitation.  The photographic image just doesn't match my experience, no matter how much I Photoshop it.

After a recent Girls Night Out/Opera Lecture, but before our Baba Ghanoush buffet at Fadi's, we saw a splendid Maxfield Parrish sunset over Mockingbird Lane from the North Central Expressway.  My Texas sky feels like a super-saturated Hollywood musical picture show with Gordon McRae bursting into song.  There's a bright golden haze on the meadow, but there's nothing like a dame. There's no place like home, either.

 

Humphrey Bogart, Mike Hammer, Guy Noir and I were looking out the patio window the other night. The security lamps had turned on to illuminate sidewalks between condo buildings. It only took a minute for the geckos to come out from their hiding spots to await tasty insects drawn to the light.

I haven't mastered the photography secrets to capture shady reptiles in deep shadows near intense artificial lights.  Only poetry can explain both the subtleties and the glare.


© 2010 Nancy L. Ruder

4/9/10

Corks, quirks, and saving the world

In my escapist fantasies, I see myself living in a small cabin with a screened porch. The cabin interior is decorated in college town bar decor, but without the peanut shells on the floor. Every surface is covered with collected items--keys and license plates, especially, but also hardware, newspapers, vintage board games, maps, buttons. Tabletops and counters become an ever-changing collage of vintage sewing patterns, postage stamps, and magazine photos suspended between layers of clear polyurethane. The ceiling is hung with papier mache insects, wire sculpture lizards, origami, mobiles, Christmas ornaments and retro lamps. The floor is cushioned by mats made from thousands of donated wine corks.

My current abode has boxes, baskets, and jars full of wine corks (and no peanut shells). Friends and relatives have been saving corks for me for many years. Corks are useful for building art project palm trees on fantasy desert isles. Supply has exceeded demand in recent years, but I'll never turn down a bagful of corks. I appreciate the sacrifice that has gone into drinking the wine so artists can create.

Horror vacui is the abhorrence of empty space. Most art history students first learn about it when they study ancient Egyptian tombs in the Valley of the Kings. Tut and Nefertiti couldn't agree on wallpaper, so tombs are covered in wall-to-wall writings.

Tut was pondering large 3-D lotus sculptures entirely made of corks. Maybe Howard Carter should be my condo decorator. Tut. Stone. Silence. Inscriptions. Collections. Possessions. Overload. Alabaster canopic urns...

In my imagined abodes visual over-stimulation replaces excessive auditory noise. Since my sons have moved out, it is very quiet here. Quiet is good. In fact, I may have to track down George Prochnik's book, In Pursuit of Silence: Listening for Meaning in a World of Noise. I heard an NPR "Fresh Air" interview with the author. He said studies show people eat less when the volume level increases, but they drink more alcohol...

When I went a-googlin' for other cork uses, I found an artist who covered her car with corks. The Skylark could be transformed into a CorkMama-Mobile.

With enough hot glue and corks we could aspire to far greater good. We could build shelters for earthquake victims in Haiti. We could mulch our organic gardens. Huh? I saw it on Google, so it must be true.

12/21/09

Runza-making as stress relief

My pre-Christmas to-do list has been jettisoned. All my intentions of super-cleaning have gone down the tube as I deal with my father's mandatory move from assisted living to skilled care. My sister will do the actual dirty work of flying into Lincoln and managing the physical move. I will handle the multiple daily calls to help Dad understand what is happening and why.

Garrison Keillor would prescribe catsup or rhubarb pie at a time like this, but I'm going with runzas. Danger Baby and I are making runzas together so that he can learn. Now that he lives in the Windy City he appreciates this winter food. He will take a batch of frozen runzas to his future in-laws as an offering of traditional comfort food from one family to another.

Runzas are a taste tradition in Lincoln, Nebraska. They have a German ancestry and are called bierocks by Kansans. The first Runza Drive-In was a little shack on the road out to Pioneers Park southwest of Lincoln. It opened in 1949.

Runzas are traditional Cornhusker football food. They are believed to cure winter headcolds and to get students through finals week.

For awhile the Runza location closest to the UNL campus was called “Rock and Roll Runza”. The servers wore rollerskates. That’s probably where Danger Baby ate his first runza.

A runza is a spicy meat filling baked inside a bread dough. Each year I work from two or three recipes to concoct my version. This is my best understanding to date:

Filling
In a large, heavy skillet brown 2 lbs. ground beef. As you chop them add in 2/3 head green cabbage, 1 onion, 2 cloves garlic chopped fine, 2 stalks celery chopped fine. Add 2 T water. Simmer, stirring often. Drain grease, then add 1 T worchestershire sauce, ½ t oregano, 1 t pepper, and salt to taste. Remove from heat and cool in refrigerator.

Dough
Thaw one package (3 loaves) of Bridgford Ready-Dough according to package directions. Let rise according to directions. Punch down. Pinch off balls of dough as big as a large lemon. Roll each ball on a floured board with a floured rolling pin until it is at least 4”x8”. Add ½ cup of filling. Bring the sides of dough together, then the ends, and pinch securely. Place on greased cookie sheet pinched side down. Leave a space between runzas. Let rise again. Freeze at this point, or else bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.
Makes 18 runzas.


© 2009 Nancy L. Ruder

7/23/09

Frijole Anole Catches the Waves

I couldn't quite visualize the surfing dogs I heard about on NPR Saturday morning. The Frijole Anole must have heard the story, too. He's working on his surfing technique. He's spent the last hour wind-surfing on a canna leaf in a good breeze. He's ridden the leaf forwards, backwards, sideways, and even managed to hang ten.

When I popped my Dick Dale surfer music in the cd player and opened the patio sliding door, the lizard worked on his style points.
Have I mentioned how much I miss my camera?


© 2009 Nancy L. Ruder

4/7/09

ch ch ch ////Changes


Turn and face the strain as this has been a tough week. The Buick is unhappy. It should probably have been hauled off to the auto cemetary long ago. It sometimes acts dead, but I keep hoping that it's just pretending. Maybe E. O. Wilson has dripped a drop of oleic acid on it.

I've been laughing about NPR's April Fools Day story of ant pheromones for a week now. It seems that an ant can look dead and be dead, but other ants don't care unless it smells dead. On the other hand, an ant can be alive and look alive, but if it smells dead its friends will drag it to the cemetary. Ant communication is all about pheromones and smells. Ants don't care about phonics.

Phonemes, phonograms, and digraphs seem like upturned panicked insects to me. My sons celebrated the wedding of Q and U in kindergarten, but I don't remember them mentioning when C and H moved in together without so much as matching tattoos.

I wait for the repair folks to call with an estimate. The ch-ch-ch-children are facing the ch-ch-challenges of blended sounds.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Oh, look out you rock n rollers

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older

© 2009 Nancy L. Ruder

1/3/09

Hummus phobia overcome




It's only the third of January, but I've already added my new food of the year. Cue the theme song from "Chariots of Fire"! I've overcome my terror of hummus.

Running in cinematic slow motion through the Kroger olive bar to get some roasted red peppers (domestic), then down the canned beans aisle to get the chickpeas, I'm feeling the burn. Thank heaven I already had the cream cheese, olive oil, garlic clove, lime juice, and paprika, so I sprinted toward the tape.

The Woolly Mammoth tried to convert me to hummus in '08. "Until I know what's in the stuff, I'm not going there," I said. It took an interview with Nigella Lawson on NPR to convince me hummus might actually be edible if I made it myself.

And, oh, it is so good I say on Triscuits and boats and planes and trains! That Sam-I-Am is doing high fives and cartwheels at the finish line.

Next up--A friend believes kale is edible. Yeah, right.

© 2009 Nancy L. Ruder





8/3/08

Minty fresh fix-o-mysteries

Caught a few segments of NPR's Crime in the City series interviewing mystery authors and the cities they know and love. Authors have laid claim to a huge range of locations, occupations, and avocations to reel in niche mystery readers: caterers, car-poolers, PTA moms, crossword puzzle addicts, genealogists, sled dog mushers, cat lovers, English teachers...

I've yet to see the beautiful dental hygienist (and amateur sleuth) with her latex gloves, sharp tools, and sharper wit, Floss Dailey, solve perilous periodontic puzzles. With a ghost writer and some technical advisors, I think we could milk this for twenty titles at least:

  • Root Canal in which Floss discovers the naughty inspiration for her husband's tooth whitening overdose.
  • Can You Feel This? Still numb from the divorce, Floss meets a cute neurologist and dreams of comfortable shoes.
  • Baby Teeth Floss's duplex neighbors have teething triplets.
  • Bite Down Please A "Shark Week" on cable t.v. inspires Floss to decorate the ceiling of her exam room with National Geographic shark pictures.
  • Keep Wiggling Floss's boss, The Great Gummy Bear, a rotund dental softy, finds his personal cause, founding No Baby Tooth Left Behind, to provide cute plastic containers for low income kids whose teeth fall out at school.
  • Canines & Molars Floss's ex, "The Glare," nicknamed for his serious overdose on tooth whitener and blazing inability to pay child support on time, gets a pit bull.
  • Brush Three Times Floss wins a hygienist's convention door prize, a vacation to Las Vegas to see Tony Orlando and Dawn.
  • Grit Your Teeth Floss accompanies her boss, The Great Gummy Bear to a dentists' convention in Atlanta.
  • Swish & Spit Floss becomes friends with a gay novacaine sales rep.
  • Overbite Floss starts selling her original line of hygienist scrubs on her website--in TRex, Arctic Wolf, Crocodile, Chained Pit Bull, Amazon Piranha, Shark, and Ankle-biter Toddler print fabrics, but finds she has no time left for her children.
  • No Cavities Floss's precocious preschool daughter becomes the star of a rainbow sparkle gel toothpaste ad campaign.
  • Panoramic X-Rays Floss cleans Tony Hillerman's teeth while taking a well-earned vacation across the American Southwest.
  • Waiting Room Fish Floss finds dentures buried in the aquarium gravel.
  • No Candy "The Glare" begs Floss to get back together so a sweet someone will pick up his suits from the dry cleaners.
  • A Little Sensitive Floss's best friend from high school, a sculptress working in conceptual orthodontic wire, is arrested in a gallery murder case.
  • Deep Pits Floss meets a mysterious informant when she calls the PayPal tech support 1-800 help number.
  • Gingivitis Floss's ex remarries, but not to Mary Ann.
  • Receding Gumshoes Floss cleans the teeth of a former police detective now suffering from Alzheimers.
  • Plaque Fights Back Receiving an award from the National Dental Fashion League starts Floss on a race to prevent copycat designs from flooding the scrub market.
  • Partial Plates Cleaning the teeth of a geologist leads to a seismic weekend in California with an underscoring tectonic romance. Carole King has signed to write the "I Feel the Earth Move Under My Teeth."
  • The Fluoride Treatment Floss has to deal with an unethical, scandal-mongering tv station when she solves her latest mystery.
  • Impacted Wisdom Floss communicates by a system of nods and blinks to help an elderly stroke victim solve a dental mystery.
  • Caps & Crowns Floss's sullen adolescent son graduates from high school.
  • Drilling for Gold Floss learns her ancestors filled cavities in the California Gold Rush and Texas Wildcat oil fields.
  • See You In Six Months Soon to be a major motion picture with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
  • I'll Love You for Efferdent A made-for-tv movie about high-school sweethearts who meet sixty years later in their dentist's waiting room.
© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

4/30/08

Like worms through the collander




...so are the Days of Our Lives.*


Removing composted dirt from the worm bin for the first time late this afternoon, I couldn't help thinking about the polygamist ranch mess that keeps growing. On my commute home I'd heard the NPR "All Things Considered" story about the FLDS children and teen mothers now in foster care. In the drive-through bank lane I listened to the problems in store for school districts receiving the FLDS children as new students.
I'm just moving dirt out of the worm bin because it is so full, and because it was the sort of day that leaves a teacher unable to do anything more challenging than picking earthworms out of dirt. My method for taking dirt from the worms is primitive and inefficient, and quite satisfying. I'll put the wormless vermicompost in the container plants out on the patio.
Worms don't like light, so I opened the bin and set it under a bright light. I scooped some of the vermicompost into a collander, and set that on top of the worm bin. I pulled out the large materials that had not yet decomposed to put back into the bin. I plucked out all the worms I could catch without effort, and set them back into the bin. Then I watched the rest of the worms wiggle down through the collander holes to get back to the shadows again.
A tired teacher separating dirt from worms in a contained tub environment after a long day is a fairly low-keyed, spontaneous event with minimal impact. Law enforcement officials going into a religious cult compound to remove over four hundred minors based on an anonymous phone call need to have better plans in place.
I can't draw too fine an analogy here, but I did try to do no harm to my worms. Could the Texas officials have considered taking the dirt from the worms, instead of the worms from the dirt?

*I admit I used to watch the afternoon soaps back when Macdonald Carey was still alive.


© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

3/3/08

Scary Sci-Fi Movie


Although my young students are incredibly brilliant, they aren't always the very first persons to say the most fabulous thing. And so, I regret to say, other people used the word "tyranntula" before today. Still, the little girl gave her pronunciation a certain Soviet era flourish.

"Tyranntula" is such a flashback to the scary black and white sci-fi tv shows of my Cold War childhood. We watched those shows sitting on the cork tile flooring in the basement of the house next door. We sat so close to the tv, and with the lights off, it's a wonder we didn't all go blind. That's because the father of that house (who never knew best, or ever, ever got to be the head of household) was snoring loudly in his recliner.

You bet "Tyranntula" is one of those movies with poor safety procedures in the laboratory, a clueless young assistant who's taken the boss' daughter out in his roadster on that road between the wheatfields, and some seriously grainy photography. You know to the bottom of your Skips tennis shoes that far scarier things lurk behind the plastic beaded "bamboo" curtain to the laundry room off to your right as you sit crosslegged. You are terrified of what will certainly happen to you should you spill your Nestle's Quik, toy with the crust of your tuna fish sandwich, or--GASP--take too teensy bites of your red delicious. You would rather be chased down, shredded, and slurpied by a giant reptilian spider than get crosswise with the true head of that house. You know far well what happened to the little kid who didn't eat all his hot dog, spilled Kool-Aid, and then wet his pants in terror. It was far worse than any Twilight Zone episode. He was just a shell, an automaton, after that unfortunate episode. I bet he's still in therapy fifty years later.

In the post-Soviet era, we still have some scary possibilities. We could have to pronounce the new Russian president's name on the air. Yes, Dmitri Medvedev, "med-VYED-eff", could be the foreign correspondent's equivalent of spilled Nestle's Quik.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

1/31/08

Ruh-ruh-ruh, puh-puh-puh

You might be a pre-K teacher if you tell your coworker you need to ruh-ruh-run to the ruh-ruh-restroom. It's been a busy week in the wacky world of initial word sounds and beginning readers. I think I might have "Sounding-Out Syndrome" or phonicositis.




Not feeling puh-particularly puh-pleased with the painted paper plates for our peacock art project, I felt the need for pretty patterned paper pieces to create royal palace gardens. The students began puh-puh-puhhing along with me. Soon they were drawing a prince and princess on the path from the palace to peer at the peacock. They drew in other peafowl, pear trees, and a pond. Pretty soon we had petunias, pines, palm trees in the garden, and piranhas in the pond.



Wait, wait! Wuh-wuh-one of the things that snags the students is the difference between a letter's name and the sound that letter makes. That's wuh-why a child brings me a W card and says, "duh-duh-duh-double U, wristwatch". Another child brings the F card, and says, "eh-eh-ehfuh, fish", while pointing to a picture of an eh-eh-elephant.

One of my dad's classic tales of a one-room country schoolhouse involves a spelling bee. You know the rhythm and routine of a spelling bee. Say the word. Spell it. Say the word again.

So a nervous country kid steps up to the front of the classroom, stands by the blackboard, and says,

"Fish. B-O-X. Fish."

Sometimes the teacher chuckles and makes herself a note. Other times, she just wants to put her head down on the table right there in all the graham cuh-cracker cuh-crumbs.

I enjoy Tom Bodett on the quiz show panel for NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" This particular peacock picture seems to be leaving the palace nightlight on for him.

Ehfuh-fuh-fuh-fuh can't help but lead to Funiculi, funicula. This was the theme song for the local weekend children's talent show broadcast on black and white KOLN/KGIN tv. Harken, harken, listen to our song! We'll save Annette fuh-fuh-Funicello for another day.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

10/29/07

Wait, wait, don't tell me when the Met Opera broadcasts begin!

I am a quart short of Margaret Juntwait. I long for a Saturday afternoon of opera on WRR 101.1.

Running low on Peter Sagal, too. My NPR station has been on a long, long pledge drive, so Saturdays at 11:00 a.m. I hear a prerecorded greatest hits broadcast of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me: The NPR News Quiz". These particular shows are already perforated for easy tearing away to the station manager's pleas for contributions.

Jeff. The station manager always seems to be named Jeff. "Jeff" is one of my very favorite names. That's why I named my firstborn "Jeffrey". I had no idea "Jeff" would become the generic name of public radio station managers begging for money on the air.

Fall is finally arriving in North Texas. The air has a tease of crispness. Crows are mobbing redtail hawks, while tardy monarch butterflies lazy-daisy their way south to Mexico. It is perfect weather for driving my Jeff to UT in Austin down I-35, then lazy-daisying myself back up 183, 281, and 67 to Dallas listening to any public radio or classical music station my car radio picked up. That is how I discovered the Metropolitan Opera broadcasts, then hosted by Peter Allen. Alas, my Jeff received his degree from UT in 2004, and no longer needs to be transported to or from Austin with hawk-watching out the windows of the Buick.

Margaret Juntwait became "the voice" of the Metropolitan Opera broadcasts about the time Jeff graduated. Maybe that is why I've always visualized Ms. Juntwait as a very classy hawk perched on a power pole along 281 north of Lampasas. When Ms. Juntwait's voice reaches my Buick on a late fall Saturday it hints she could be an observant, soaring, upper-level food chain predator, with lovely chest plumage and vivid tail feather coloring.

I look forward to the December eighth resumption of Met radio broadcasts on 101.1 WRR fm. I'll learn much about opera from the "gracious, personable, and knowledgeable" host of the program. Even though it is not her job, I bet Ms. Juntwait will help me win Carl Kasell's voice on my home answering machine.

© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

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