Trouble McDuck

We have a problem with ducks at work. The ducks waddle to the school from the pond over the hill. Most of the time the ducks are harmless, although not as cute as Robert McCloskey's illustrations for Make Way for Ducklings. I read once that McCloskey took a bunch of ducklings up to his apartment, and let them sip wine so that they would slow down enough for him to draw. Ducks are messy enough without being drunk. I sure hope McCloskey's apartment lacked carpeting. Or, maybe the Caldecott Medal paid for the Steamatic. Ducklings should never accept an invitation to come upstairs and look at a man's etchings.

Mommies and kiddies like to waddle along after the ducks, and sometimes feed them sandwich crusts and cheetos. Once in awhile the ducks will turn ugly, and a mom and kid will end up standing on top of the picnic table surrounded by tough ducks.

One daddy claims you can intimidate the tough ducks by walking straight at them instead of backing away. The ducks supposedly back away from you, until you have backed them into the pond. This is not as glamorous as being a horse whisperer, but maybe Danny DeVito could star in the movie, "The Duck Backer".

One drama teacher starred in "Annie Get Your Gun". She probably believes the tough ducks are doin' a-what comes naturly". Alas, what ducks do naturally can be messy, scary, violent, smelly, and traumatic to children (and many mommies). Ducks like the low ground cover outside our office window for nesting. I will refrain from reporting about what leads up to the nesting, since this is a family blog. I will say that duck sex is rarely consensual, and doesn't involve chocolates, roses, or sweet nothings in the lady mallard's ear.

Isn't that cute? The man at Home Depot scolded me when I went in search of duck nest deterrents, saying I was "Anti-Daffy". And I hadn't even mentioned Dubya! The problem is hordes of ducks make a major slick poop mess all over the sidewalk when they waddle by to visit the nesting mom. Sometimes the mom duck deserts the nest, and the whole thing rots under the Texas sun. You do not want to be the person who has to clean up that mess!

I am woman, hear me prune.