No Chidl Left Benihana

This country is experiencing a disastrous shortage of an essential resource the likes of which this Mama has not seen since the Carter Administration. I'm not referring to El Busho's belated request for citizens to conserve gasoline after the hurricanes, or to the search for untapped spelling words above the Arctic Circle. Don't even get me started on SUVs!

I could easily rant from now until breakfast about the complete lack of competent help at Comp USA, and of cashiers at Super Target. Why does the store have twenty-four check-out lanes, but only three cashiers?

Tonight's rant, my chidlern, is that this formerly grate country of hours is bereft of spellers and devoid of those old maid schoolteachers, like my great aunt Em, who paid attention to these tiny civilizing details. Many times every day some raging hormonal nitwit connects to CollageMama's ramblings while searching for "collage males naked" or "hot collage mamas". I want to slap them all on the knuckles with my ruler, and send them back to the McGuffey Reader, but that will only bring on a new readership of "collage ruler slapping" spelling-impaired deviants. Plus, I want them to work out 754.9 divided by 17.3 in long division at the blackboard and stay inside from recess. Who is paying for these Googlers to attend college? They must be buying the face paint and cheese heads in bulk at Costco.

I don't care much what they do or say, as long as they Google it properly. Henry Higgins would have a stroke.

Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue...

This is what the British population
Calls an elementary education...
It's 'ow' and 'garn' that keep her in her place,
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face.

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
This verbal class distinction, by now, should be antique.
[To Pickering] If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do,
Why you might be selling flowers too...

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek
In France every Frenchman knows his language from 'A' to 'Zed' -
The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.
Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning.
The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening.
Use proper English, you're regarded as a freak.
Oh, why can't the English -
Why can't the English learn to speak?

col-lage (ko-lazh') n. An artistic composition of materials and objects pasted over a surface, often with unifying lines and color. [French, from coller, to glue, paste, from colle, glue, from Vulgar Latin colla (unattested), from Greek kolia. See kolei- in Appendix.*)

And I can attest to the vulgarity of the whole misspelled business!