Our National Pastime

This week Our Texas Rangers traded expensive superstar Alex Rodriguez to the NY Yankees. As always, there has been much pondering in the Dallas Morning News about how to dig the Rangers out of the cellar. As a preschool art teacher, I suggest that everyone involved in the conversation reread "Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel" to learn how to turn Mary Ann into the furnace in the new town hall instead of getting her out of the cellar.

As a woman of a certain age, I think the problem with professional baseball goes deeper. Has a menopausal woman ever managed a major league team? Of course not! Is the sport ignoring the most logical solution to its problems? Certainly!

Every woman I know has spent years training to become a team manager. Every Saturday morning of our adult lives we have played the "Imagine You Are a Baseball Manager" game. I've heard of Monday morning quarterbacks. I give you Saturday morning managers.

My walking buddy and I are in Spring Training here in the Grapefruit League. That means we've been working very hard to lose weight since New Year's. On Saturday mornings we review our progress, and assess the roster. We try on and send some pants that have become too saggy/baggy down to the closet minors. We audition skinny minor league candidates for the closet big league. Will they fit into the current line-up? If I send two pairs to the minors, and only bring up one, how long will they last in a four pants rotation? Should this pair be placed on the DL until the popped button is resewn?

Major league baseball also faces many problems with sportsmanship, character, and player use of chemical enhancers. It is time for the female manager to be promoted to league commissioner. My friends all know that you must never trash talk the competition. If you call attention to the weight of someone else, you will be slapped upside your thighs with bad, bad, evil karmic cellulite. If you grandstand after a home run, your seams will surely burst. Slim Fast will never substitute for a conscious change in diet and exercise habits. We won't even get into the subject of corking bats! It has been many years since we wadded Kleenex in our training bras, but we know all the tricks.

Why stop at commissioner? Fantasy Baseball offers women the chance to go for the Big Time. We lust after the NY Yankee's superstar talent, depth, budget, and George Steinbrenner's office. Can you imagine that major league closet???