4/30/04
Rabble Rouser
I'm so darn proud of my mom! She called up the Lincoln Journal Star and gave them holy hell for refusing to print last Friday's Doonesbury strip. I wish I had been there in the dining room near the rotary dial phone for that moment. I would give her an atta-girl.
Department of Homeland Security
Just like the spooks, I am picking up increased chatter, and elevating the alert color to level coral to match my outfit. Once in awhile One Stat gives me a glimpse of how searchers wander into this Itty Bitty blog. I am intrigued to find that someone visited my blog due to a Dogpile search for "old ladies nuked". I'm sure they were disappointed not to find any recipes.
4/29/04
Wish List Revisited
You are blowing me away with your willingness to collect Primo Junk. I can't thank you enough. Your donations sustain my efforts, and often propel me in new directions.
Due to storage limitations it is time to update the recycling wish list. I'm imagining myself as some sort of public radio pledge drive moderator here. Thanks for your wonderful contributions of quilt batting and fiberfill. You will be receiving a pledge gift of an invisible travel coffee mug.
Donations of plastic Easter eggs have astounded me, and launched a project for constructing imaginary orchestra instruments. We are reading the new Manuelo the Playing Mantis , by Don Freeman ( though he's been dead for ages). Alas, I can't store any more eggs. This reminds me of a job long ago as an apartment building manager. Every week I had to vacuum the stairways. It took months to rid the carpet of Christmas pine needles and Easter plastic grass.
Prescription bottles are a component of every construction project. I don't know about you, but sometimes the labels are easy to peel off my Rx bottles, and other times impossible. The recycling fairies will understand if you discard the sticky-icky bottles. Save the lids, though. We love the lids!
I can always use the shoeboxes with a one-piece construction instead of a two-piece box and lid construction. We use them for creating inside/outside castles and haunted houses.
Buttons and sewing notions are always coveted. So are workbench and junk drawer hardware items. Keys. I want your keys!! The ones to the padlock from your junior high PE locker...The eyeglasses your broke when you were showing off about your unbreakable titanium frames? I want them! Buttons. Snaps. Zippers? You betcha.
Wire. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....Different kinds and sizes of wire are used to develop fine motor twisting and threading skills.
NEW!! I can always use the styrofoam trays from grocery meats. I do need them to be the kind without creepy absorbing materials attached. Obviously, I need them to be washed.
I always, always, always need buttons, wine corks, and ugly neckties. With your support I may someday become a Primo Junk Diva!
Due to storage limitations it is time to update the recycling wish list. I'm imagining myself as some sort of public radio pledge drive moderator here. Thanks for your wonderful contributions of quilt batting and fiberfill. You will be receiving a pledge gift of an invisible travel coffee mug.
Donations of plastic Easter eggs have astounded me, and launched a project for constructing imaginary orchestra instruments. We are reading the new Manuelo the Playing Mantis , by Don Freeman ( though he's been dead for ages). Alas, I can't store any more eggs. This reminds me of a job long ago as an apartment building manager. Every week I had to vacuum the stairways. It took months to rid the carpet of Christmas pine needles and Easter plastic grass.
Prescription bottles are a component of every construction project. I don't know about you, but sometimes the labels are easy to peel off my Rx bottles, and other times impossible. The recycling fairies will understand if you discard the sticky-icky bottles. Save the lids, though. We love the lids!
I can always use the shoeboxes with a one-piece construction instead of a two-piece box and lid construction. We use them for creating inside/outside castles and haunted houses.
Buttons and sewing notions are always coveted. So are workbench and junk drawer hardware items. Keys. I want your keys!! The ones to the padlock from your junior high PE locker...The eyeglasses your broke when you were showing off about your unbreakable titanium frames? I want them! Buttons. Snaps. Zippers? You betcha.
Wire. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....Different kinds and sizes of wire are used to develop fine motor twisting and threading skills.
NEW!! I can always use the styrofoam trays from grocery meats. I do need them to be the kind without creepy absorbing materials attached. Obviously, I need them to be washed.
I always, always, always need buttons, wine corks, and ugly neckties. With your support I may someday become a Primo Junk Diva!
Reptilian Pantyhose
I know it sounds kinky, slinky, scaly, and expensive. Just the wicked accent for that black dress and spiked heels. Add the wide, low-slung crocodilian belt, and rattlesnake skin chunky bracelet. Complete the look with platinum spiked hair, botox/blood-red pouting lips, the Perfect Purse, and protruding hipbones. And that is aspsolutely Collagemama's look!
Oops, got off the track there. I wanted to tell you about the lizards on the back fence and a successful terra cotta clay project.
Last fall some of my elementary and intermediate art students made clay masks decorated with different stripes, grooves, and other textures. I wanted the kids to think beyond a basic face, and way beyond Sponge Bob on this project, so my example was very over the top. Anne Rice and Dionysus on a Mardi Gras pub crawl with Akenaten, Ed Munch, Long John Silver, and several African antelopes. We made sure to poke holes along the rim of the mask.
After the clay was fired to its splendid earthy color, we painted the masks with black tempera paint all over. A few minutes later we took the masks to the sink and washed and rubbed the paint off the top surface, leaving the black in all the textured grooves. When the masks dried, we added long raffia hanging from the poked holes along the edge. Some kids added beads and feathers. We looked at examples of masks from many cultures.
My example was so weird I kept it, and hung it from a fence post out on the patio. Despite lots of rain the black paint still accents the textures. The raffia is bleaching. The mask has become the lizard molting hang-out. Lizards get naked behind Satan's visage? (I can't help it. I've been reading a collection of Bohemian folktales about poor-but-smart peasants outwitting devils.)
My fence hosts incredibly tiny baby anoles, anoles just ready for kindergarten, teen Double-Bubble anoles, and Big Daddy in his chartreuse suit and gold chains. They are all having growth spurts. Then they have to molt. It isn't optional. They all seem to migrate to the fence post with the mask, and their skin becomes white with dark brown underneath. Molting isn't the passive activity I had always imagined. The lizards rub against the wood, then contort themselves to bite the old skin away from their toes. Imagine if you had to do that! All this rubbing and peeling takes a long time. At the most exposed, vulnerable point the lizards climb behind the raffia and up behind the mask. Do they smoke native plants? Hold secret kiva ceremonies? Do they have black light posters of Jim Morrison back there? Or do they just finally rid themselves of their Texas summer pantyhose the way so many women do as soon as they get behind the steering wheel after a long day at work?
Oops, got off the track there. I wanted to tell you about the lizards on the back fence and a successful terra cotta clay project.
Last fall some of my elementary and intermediate art students made clay masks decorated with different stripes, grooves, and other textures. I wanted the kids to think beyond a basic face, and way beyond Sponge Bob on this project, so my example was very over the top. Anne Rice and Dionysus on a Mardi Gras pub crawl with Akenaten, Ed Munch, Long John Silver, and several African antelopes. We made sure to poke holes along the rim of the mask.
After the clay was fired to its splendid earthy color, we painted the masks with black tempera paint all over. A few minutes later we took the masks to the sink and washed and rubbed the paint off the top surface, leaving the black in all the textured grooves. When the masks dried, we added long raffia hanging from the poked holes along the edge. Some kids added beads and feathers. We looked at examples of masks from many cultures.
My example was so weird I kept it, and hung it from a fence post out on the patio. Despite lots of rain the black paint still accents the textures. The raffia is bleaching. The mask has become the lizard molting hang-out. Lizards get naked behind Satan's visage? (I can't help it. I've been reading a collection of Bohemian folktales about poor-but-smart peasants outwitting devils.)
My fence hosts incredibly tiny baby anoles, anoles just ready for kindergarten, teen Double-Bubble anoles, and Big Daddy in his chartreuse suit and gold chains. They are all having growth spurts. Then they have to molt. It isn't optional. They all seem to migrate to the fence post with the mask, and their skin becomes white with dark brown underneath. Molting isn't the passive activity I had always imagined. The lizards rub against the wood, then contort themselves to bite the old skin away from their toes. Imagine if you had to do that! All this rubbing and peeling takes a long time. At the most exposed, vulnerable point the lizards climb behind the raffia and up behind the mask. Do they smoke native plants? Hold secret kiva ceremonies? Do they have black light posters of Jim Morrison back there? Or do they just finally rid themselves of their Texas summer pantyhose the way so many women do as soon as they get behind the steering wheel after a long day at work?
4/27/04
The Pink Aisle
Holy crap! CollageMama has lost touch with her inner Barbie during all these years in the Camo Aisle. She's been through GI Joe, Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Warhammer, Star Wars, and Snaptite models of WWII vehicles.
While my attention was thus distracted, the Pink Aisle situation has sunk to new lows. I am so old that my Barbie had white gloves to accessorize all her outfits. She wore cute pillbox hats. I admit, Barbie had trouble staying with any career for very long, but she never lied about her National Guard service. Her dental records show an impressive lack of cavities. She had leadership potential when she wore her flight suit with the actual teeny-tiny zipper. I would vote for her for president against Bushie the Wonder Gerbil any day, even if she is surgically augmented.
Good grief! What was Mattel(DUH?) thinking? To combat the threat posed by Bratz(TM) dolls in the Pink Aisle at Walmart, Mattel has launched postemptive Diva Starz (TM) dolls. Both sides of this marketing Armageddon are short-waisted plastic 3-D mixes of velvet paintings, claymation Cher, and jerky Japanese animation.
The whole usage of "diva" is becoming clearer. I have been so out of touch with mass marketing to girls that I imagined progress had been made in our culture's goals and models for young women. Find an AIDS cure? Go to Mars? Design hybrid vehicles? Solve the health care crisis? Shirley, you jest!
I am hereby launching my Opera Diva Barbie(TM) line of dolls. Barbie's figure is perfect for those armored bras anyway, and she's got the magenta satin gowns with velvet trim. Opera Diva Barbie(TM) will have an imbedded musical chip. Just push on her perfect diaphragm, and she will launch into a random Wagner aria.
New for You in Summer 2004: Opera Diva Barbie's Viking Helmet(TM).
Coming in Fall 2004: Water-logged Ophelia(TM)! Wear your Rue with a difference! And will'a not come again?
While my attention was thus distracted, the Pink Aisle situation has sunk to new lows. I am so old that my Barbie had white gloves to accessorize all her outfits. She wore cute pillbox hats. I admit, Barbie had trouble staying with any career for very long, but she never lied about her National Guard service. Her dental records show an impressive lack of cavities. She had leadership potential when she wore her flight suit with the actual teeny-tiny zipper. I would vote for her for president against Bushie the Wonder Gerbil any day, even if she is surgically augmented.
Good grief! What was Mattel(DUH?) thinking? To combat the threat posed by Bratz(TM) dolls in the Pink Aisle at Walmart, Mattel has launched postemptive Diva Starz (TM) dolls. Both sides of this marketing Armageddon are short-waisted plastic 3-D mixes of velvet paintings, claymation Cher, and jerky Japanese animation.
The whole usage of "diva" is becoming clearer. I have been so out of touch with mass marketing to girls that I imagined progress had been made in our culture's goals and models for young women. Find an AIDS cure? Go to Mars? Design hybrid vehicles? Solve the health care crisis? Shirley, you jest!
I am hereby launching my Opera Diva Barbie(TM) line of dolls. Barbie's figure is perfect for those armored bras anyway, and she's got the magenta satin gowns with velvet trim. Opera Diva Barbie(TM) will have an imbedded musical chip. Just push on her perfect diaphragm, and she will launch into a random Wagner aria.
New for You in Summer 2004: Opera Diva Barbie's Viking Helmet(TM).
Coming in Fall 2004: Water-logged Ophelia(TM)! Wear your Rue with a difference! And will'a not come again?
4/25/04
Definition Diva
Lately my female kindergarten and first grade students have been drawing pictures of themselves as lead singers in a band called "The Divas". Slightly older girls refer to themselves as "shopping divas". This seems like a really odd elementary school vocabulary word. The impression I get from these girls is that they identify with a personification of self-justified, self-centered mass-consumerism and instant celebrity. Is it just me, or is this a symptom of a culture rotting from the inside out?
What is a "diva"? When I told my opera friend that I liked the voice of Brunnhilde on the Metropolitan Opera broadcast of "Gotterdammerung" yesterday, he told me, "Jane Eaglen as Brünnhilde was superb. She is a grand diva. " His usage of the word is clearly positive, conveying respect for a lifetime of achievement and talent. That fits with my American Heritage Dictionary definition:
An operatic prima donna. [Italian, "goddess," from Latin, feminine of divus, god.]
So what is a prima donna? Again the dictionary:
1. The leading female soloist in an opera company. 2. A tempermental and conceited performer. [Italian, "first lady"]
The Online Etymology Dictionary (see link) defines diva as:
diva - "distinguished woman singer," 1883, from It. diva "goddess, fine lady," from L. diva "goddess," fem. of divus "divine (one)."
From online slang dictionaries:
diva n 1. goddess, queen; literally "first woman." ("She is such a diva.") Submitted by Brent Edwards, Pullman, WA, USA, 14-04-1998.
http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/wrader/slang/d.html
Noun:
Absolutely any woman, regardless of talent, who establishes a singing career and appears on television.
"...to the contrary, Pete - over the past decade we've witnessed a veritable explosion in the population of divas, for instance. In fact, our research shows that the years between nineteen ninety and the present date saw the emergence of more divas than the previous one hundred years. Ultimately, I think that reports of the death of high culture simply don't square with the numbers."
Source: Joshua B. Wright, Apr 7, 2004
A female who is doing tha damn thang. She got her shit together and she doesn't need a male to know that she looks good.Mary J. Blige
a bitchy woman that must have her way exactly, or no way at all. often rude and belittles people, believes that everyone is beneath her and thinks that she is so much more loved than what she really is. selfish, spoiled, and overly dramatic.Source: charmain, Sep 11, 2003
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=diva&f=1
When I polled my demographic group, that is Carole and Shawn at lunch today on the patio at the French restaurant, they were unanimous in voting "diva" as a negative term.
When I search Dogpile I find VenusDivas who are full-figured fashion models, and GreenDivas, who are golf women with attitude and discretionary income.
There's also a site welcoming me to the "World of Divadom" with this definition:
Half of the population of our planet are women and consequently, half of the famous faces seen on the screen and in concert halls throughout this century are women. Wonderful voices and superb acting techniques, not to mention beautiful faces, abound. But who are the tiny minority who can be considered as true divas in our Give Good Face and Sirens categories? What sets these women above all others in their particular fields? What has happened to these women to entitle them to the status of diva?
Obviously everyone has different criteria for bestowing the title of diva on their own chosen few. Our criteria (and it is that which counts as this is our site!) are simple – extraordinary glamour, mystery, a liberal sprinkling of tragedy and most of all endurance throughout the years. These are women who will never be forgotten and whose image can be conjured up immediately by the mere mention of a name, song or movie.
Qualification for the third category Movers & Shakers differs in that, sadly, women make up a tiny minority – probably less than 1% of people who could be considered as 'Movers and Shakers' – politicians and those occupying significant places within ruling houses. Nevertheless, there does exist a minority within a minority who stand out as a result of their achievements and of fulfilling the standard requirements of mystery, tragedy and glamour. Love them or hate them – you will never forget them!
Do you agree with us? Who else should be there in the upper echelons of divadom? Who should not be there? What qualities are we missing? Take a peek at our list of wannabees - aka the no-noes - and what we are not looking for will become abundantly obvious! You disagree? Then tell us by using your democratic vote!
When voting or proposing a candidate for divadom - remember - Oscars, Tonys, Grammys and the like are all fine and dandy but do not necessarily bestow the accolade of diva! Our divas are way above the mundane world of awards and prizes! Tell us now and let’s make this the number 1 site to which every woman should aspire to appear!
I am feeling lucky that I raised boys and only had to deal with Ninja Turtle nunchucks and melting plastic army men with magnifying glasses. A diva of any sort seems like a scary role model for young girls. Playing "divas" seems like acting out a dream of being self-centered, self-promoting, materialistic, conscienceless celebrities. Make sure the camera gets the pink feather boa, tattoos, and navel piercing.
My mom thought playing "Beatles' Stewardesses" was sick decadence due to watching scandalous images on "The Ed Sulllivan Show". Beatles' stewardesses had to be nice to people, anticipate their needs, and make their lives more pleasant.
I'm not saying girls should aspire to be selfless servants in high heels. There must be something between that and aspiring to be shopping divas!
What is a "diva"? When I told my opera friend that I liked the voice of Brunnhilde on the Metropolitan Opera broadcast of "Gotterdammerung" yesterday, he told me, "Jane Eaglen as Brünnhilde was superb. She is a grand diva. " His usage of the word is clearly positive, conveying respect for a lifetime of achievement and talent. That fits with my American Heritage Dictionary definition:
An operatic prima donna. [Italian, "goddess," from Latin, feminine of divus, god.]
So what is a prima donna? Again the dictionary:
1. The leading female soloist in an opera company. 2. A tempermental and conceited performer. [Italian, "first lady"]
The Online Etymology Dictionary (see link) defines diva as:
diva - "distinguished woman singer," 1883, from It. diva "goddess, fine lady," from L. diva "goddess," fem. of divus "divine (one)."
From online slang dictionaries:
diva n 1. goddess, queen; literally "first woman." ("She is such a diva.") Submitted by Brent Edwards, Pullman, WA, USA, 14-04-1998.
http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/wrader/slang/d.html
Noun:
Absolutely any woman, regardless of talent, who establishes a singing career and appears on television.
"...to the contrary, Pete - over the past decade we've witnessed a veritable explosion in the population of divas, for instance. In fact, our research shows that the years between nineteen ninety and the present date saw the emergence of more divas than the previous one hundred years. Ultimately, I think that reports of the death of high culture simply don't square with the numbers."
Source: Joshua B. Wright, Apr 7, 2004
A female who is doing tha damn thang. She got her shit together and she doesn't need a male to know that she looks good.Mary J. Blige
a bitchy woman that must have her way exactly, or no way at all. often rude and belittles people, believes that everyone is beneath her and thinks that she is so much more loved than what she really is. selfish, spoiled, and overly dramatic.Source: charmain, Sep 11, 2003
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=diva&f=1
When I polled my demographic group, that is Carole and Shawn at lunch today on the patio at the French restaurant, they were unanimous in voting "diva" as a negative term.
When I search Dogpile I find VenusDivas who are full-figured fashion models, and GreenDivas, who are golf women with attitude and discretionary income.
There's also a site welcoming me to the "World of Divadom" with this definition:
Half of the population of our planet are women and consequently, half of the famous faces seen on the screen and in concert halls throughout this century are women. Wonderful voices and superb acting techniques, not to mention beautiful faces, abound. But who are the tiny minority who can be considered as true divas in our Give Good Face and Sirens categories? What sets these women above all others in their particular fields? What has happened to these women to entitle them to the status of diva?
Obviously everyone has different criteria for bestowing the title of diva on their own chosen few. Our criteria (and it is that which counts as this is our site!) are simple – extraordinary glamour, mystery, a liberal sprinkling of tragedy and most of all endurance throughout the years. These are women who will never be forgotten and whose image can be conjured up immediately by the mere mention of a name, song or movie.
Qualification for the third category Movers & Shakers differs in that, sadly, women make up a tiny minority – probably less than 1% of people who could be considered as 'Movers and Shakers' – politicians and those occupying significant places within ruling houses. Nevertheless, there does exist a minority within a minority who stand out as a result of their achievements and of fulfilling the standard requirements of mystery, tragedy and glamour. Love them or hate them – you will never forget them!
Do you agree with us? Who else should be there in the upper echelons of divadom? Who should not be there? What qualities are we missing? Take a peek at our list of wannabees - aka the no-noes - and what we are not looking for will become abundantly obvious! You disagree? Then tell us by using your democratic vote!
When voting or proposing a candidate for divadom - remember - Oscars, Tonys, Grammys and the like are all fine and dandy but do not necessarily bestow the accolade of diva! Our divas are way above the mundane world of awards and prizes! Tell us now and let’s make this the number 1 site to which every woman should aspire to appear!
I am feeling lucky that I raised boys and only had to deal with Ninja Turtle nunchucks and melting plastic army men with magnifying glasses. A diva of any sort seems like a scary role model for young girls. Playing "divas" seems like acting out a dream of being self-centered, self-promoting, materialistic, conscienceless celebrities. Make sure the camera gets the pink feather boa, tattoos, and navel piercing.
My mom thought playing "Beatles' Stewardesses" was sick decadence due to watching scandalous images on "The Ed Sulllivan Show". Beatles' stewardesses had to be nice to people, anticipate their needs, and make their lives more pleasant.
I'm not saying girls should aspire to be selfless servants in high heels. There must be something between that and aspiring to be shopping divas!
Easy Bake Oven
I've never made it much beyond Easy Bake in culinary skills. No one has starved at my condo, but they have taken their lives in their hands sometimes. This morning I realized that the Rubbermaid spatula I used to stir the queso last evening is missing a large chunk. A fiesta dental disaster awaits anyone who doesn't look closely before biting the Dorito.
When I was a kid we had an annual spring torture in Phys. Ed. known as the President's Physical Fitness Test. Do they still do that? I used to believe that John F. Kennedy was watching me do sit-ups from heaven.
Maybe there should be a President's Kitchen Fitness Test...
When I was a kid we had an annual spring torture in Phys. Ed. known as the President's Physical Fitness Test. Do they still do that? I used to believe that John F. Kennedy was watching me do sit-ups from heaven.
Maybe there should be a President's Kitchen Fitness Test...
4/24/04
Last Minute Shopping
Birthday Wish List:
1. Stomach muscles
2. Million dollars
3. Date with Lyle Lovett
4. Three book deal
5. Long weekend in the Monahans Sand Dunes
6. Archaeological trove of old-timey Barbie shoes, padlock keys, buttons, and bolts
7. Red & white 1961 Plymouth Sport Fury with rectangular steering wheel and push button transmission in mint condition
8. Self-cleaning carpet
9. Perfect purse
10. Perfect shoes
1. Stomach muscles
2. Million dollars
3. Date with Lyle Lovett
4. Three book deal
5. Long weekend in the Monahans Sand Dunes
6. Archaeological trove of old-timey Barbie shoes, padlock keys, buttons, and bolts
7. Red & white 1961 Plymouth Sport Fury with rectangular steering wheel and push button transmission in mint condition
8. Self-cleaning carpet
9. Perfect purse
10. Perfect shoes
Redecorating Without Pain
Rather than pushing furniture around, dusting, and cleaning, I've been pushing the furniture of the blog around, freshening things up with some new colors. I am not nearly as irritable, sweaty, and exhausted as a traditional Spring Cleaning would leave me. I won't wake up sore in the morning, either.
4/23/04
Pedal-pushers and Knee-knockers
I'm trying to convince myself that my ankles and calves are among my most lovely features. This is not inconceivable, really. My maternal grandmother had shapely legs well into her seventies, and my mom has always had nice ankles. I'm giving myself this pep talk because I have surrendered to the invasion of capri pants. The last time I had a pair was in third grade, and we called them "pedal-pushers". They were gray with green and burgundy plaid. The new girl in our class called hers "knee-knockers" because she moved to town from England. I wonder where Margaret is these days, and whether she is also pondering the retail insistence that middle-aged women must wear cropped pants that make us look very short and wide in exchange for being cool in the summer. Did she grow up to become an English professor like both her parents? Was Margaret an excellent cook, gardener, musician, artist, writer, life-long learner, scout leader, and inspiration the way her mother was to me? Did she teach kids the funny song that went, "Whether the weather be cold, or whether the weather be hot, whatever the weather we'll see it together, whether we like it or not"?
4/22/04
When a Blue & Gold Banquet Goes Seriously Wrong
My Blogspot banner is now advertising "poison dart frog jello recipes"! Now there is a visual. Would that be green jello with frogs and miniature marshmallows, or yellow jello with frogs and pimentos? It can't be the red hospital jello cubes with whipped cream. That would be so very wrong.
Been to many Cub Scout Blue & Gold Banquets as a sister and a mom of scouts. These are terrifying potlucks, since tradition calls for the boys to go through the line first touching and breathing on everything.
I always preferred the Boy Scout pancake feeds of my youth. These were held on the coldest weekend of the year in the neighborhood Presbyterian Church basement. We KNEW it would be ten below if the scouts were having the pancake feed. Dads would cook the pancakes and link sausages, and they were creators of perfect comfort food. The actual Boy Scouts were clearing up, carrying plates, being nice to little kids, and looking like healthy citizens of the future. Absolutely everyone we knew went to the pancake feed, and then stood around "visiting" all evening. The church lobby and hallways would be lined with heavy coats and drippy galoshes. It was just about the safest feeling I've ever known; a warm, brightly-lit log cabin surrounded by crunchy snow and air so cold it drilled holes in your skull, all blessed and by God, Jesus, Family, Aunt Jemima, and the Boy Scouts of America.
Been to many Cub Scout Blue & Gold Banquets as a sister and a mom of scouts. These are terrifying potlucks, since tradition calls for the boys to go through the line first touching and breathing on everything.
I always preferred the Boy Scout pancake feeds of my youth. These were held on the coldest weekend of the year in the neighborhood Presbyterian Church basement. We KNEW it would be ten below if the scouts were having the pancake feed. Dads would cook the pancakes and link sausages, and they were creators of perfect comfort food. The actual Boy Scouts were clearing up, carrying plates, being nice to little kids, and looking like healthy citizens of the future. Absolutely everyone we knew went to the pancake feed, and then stood around "visiting" all evening. The church lobby and hallways would be lined with heavy coats and drippy galoshes. It was just about the safest feeling I've ever known; a warm, brightly-lit log cabin surrounded by crunchy snow and air so cold it drilled holes in your skull, all blessed and by God, Jesus, Family, Aunt Jemima, and the Boy Scouts of America.
4/20/04
Cool Frogs
I sure hope you saw “The Triplets of Belleville”! That is one of my all-time favorite movies, and I’ve only seen it once so far. There were some very cool frogsicles, and other frog delicacies in it. But today, boys and squirrels, I’m not talking cinema. I’m talking papier mache with kindergarten and first grade students.
We have been working on our giant frogs for several weeks. Used cantaloupe-size balloons, plastic Easter egg halves, and corrugated box cardboard to start our frogs and lily pads. We slimed them with newspaper and Ross Art Paste while discussing the hoarding of toenail clippings (papier mache projects bring out the most primitive in all kids).
Added “fun foam” legs and eyes today. Each frog gained personality plus! Then we brewed up paints in every green imaginable:
Lime
Swamp
Slime
Poison
Army
Oobleck
Severe weather radar
Tornado sky
Blond swimmer chlorine hair
Spinach
Jade
Broccoli
Christmas
Mowed grass
Cactus
Seaweed
Lettuce
Mallard duck
Sage
Guacamole
Tropical island
Picnic table
Out-dated cottage cheese
Tree moss
New leaves
Parrot
Hansel & Gretel forest
Skunky aquarium
Jello
Mustard
Leak under the car
Robin Hood
Tinkerbell
UFO
Hope you haven’t had a green OD. If you did, just put the lime in the coconut…
We have been working on our giant frogs for several weeks. Used cantaloupe-size balloons, plastic Easter egg halves, and corrugated box cardboard to start our frogs and lily pads. We slimed them with newspaper and Ross Art Paste while discussing the hoarding of toenail clippings (papier mache projects bring out the most primitive in all kids).
Added “fun foam” legs and eyes today. Each frog gained personality plus! Then we brewed up paints in every green imaginable:
Lime
Swamp
Slime
Poison
Army
Oobleck
Severe weather radar
Tornado sky
Blond swimmer chlorine hair
Spinach
Jade
Broccoli
Christmas
Mowed grass
Cactus
Seaweed
Lettuce
Mallard duck
Sage
Guacamole
Tropical island
Picnic table
Out-dated cottage cheese
Tree moss
New leaves
Parrot
Hansel & Gretel forest
Skunky aquarium
Jello
Mustard
Leak under the car
Robin Hood
Tinkerbell
UFO
Hope you haven’t had a green OD. If you did, just put the lime in the coconut…
4/19/04
Arctic Anger Management
Welcome to IFU, the web's first online degree program to be endorsed by Jack London himself. Ice Floe University offers a multi-disciplinary, climate-based approach to anger management studies. Creative visualization is the guiding educational philosophy for the program. Situate yourself on comfy pillows, set your mental thermostat at 24 degrees, close your eyes, and imagine yourself as a walrus on the arctic ice. You are massive, intolerant, whiskered, and equipped with large, powerful flippers. Little seals bugging you with their yipping? Backhand them across the ice and into the frigid waters off the Ross Ice Shelf. Penguins wanting money to go to the mall? Flah-whoup them into the water. Lemmings? Just glare at them and twitch a whisker.
You, too, can achieve better office productivity without frostbite by following this simple study program. The IFU program requires no swimming or body-fat measurements. Every diploma comes with a coupon for a blue Slurpee. Operators are standing by now.......
You, too, can achieve better office productivity without frostbite by following this simple study program. The IFU program requires no swimming or body-fat measurements. Every diploma comes with a coupon for a blue Slurpee. Operators are standing by now.......
4/18/04
URL Dot Argghh!
There's edu and org and com and biz, but I propose a special web designation for parents....
This week a friend told me about her conversation with the custodian at the elementary school. Apparently, the first thing the custodian has to do every morning is walk around the school building to pick up all the used condoms in the doorways. I am creeped out for the custodian, and horrified for all the moms of teenagers in this area.
I've tried to ignore all the stories of teens having oral sex in the high school restrooms during lunch break. I've given many gory lectures about seatbelts and automotive safety during "open campus" lunch period. I've explained in detail that while I may be collecting outstanding children's literature to read to my grandchildren IN THE VERY DISTANT FUTURE, I don't want to read them aloud for many years yet.
To augment my Argghh mood, the lizards on my patio fence are into the spring rape season. Sex in nature is rarely consentual. Drakes nearly drown lady ducks during acts of procreation. Lady lizards are nearly strangled in the grasp of Big Daddy to the music of the Doors. Lizards change color because of mood and health, not for camouflage. At the afternooner fence motel, Big Daddy wears a chartreuse suit with gold chains and cheap sunglasses. Little Brittany Lizard turns a darkly distressed brown and contracts to the skinniest form possible. After doing the deed, Big Daddy climbs to the top of the fence and does a Super Bowl end zone show & tell dance with push-ups and bright red throat displays. Little Brittany makes herself invisible and slinks off to hide in the garden shed while she wonders whether to marry the creep and what to name all the kids...
This week a friend told me about her conversation with the custodian at the elementary school. Apparently, the first thing the custodian has to do every morning is walk around the school building to pick up all the used condoms in the doorways. I am creeped out for the custodian, and horrified for all the moms of teenagers in this area.
I've tried to ignore all the stories of teens having oral sex in the high school restrooms during lunch break. I've given many gory lectures about seatbelts and automotive safety during "open campus" lunch period. I've explained in detail that while I may be collecting outstanding children's literature to read to my grandchildren IN THE VERY DISTANT FUTURE, I don't want to read them aloud for many years yet.
To augment my Argghh mood, the lizards on my patio fence are into the spring rape season. Sex in nature is rarely consentual. Drakes nearly drown lady ducks during acts of procreation. Lady lizards are nearly strangled in the grasp of Big Daddy to the music of the Doors. Lizards change color because of mood and health, not for camouflage. At the afternooner fence motel, Big Daddy wears a chartreuse suit with gold chains and cheap sunglasses. Little Brittany Lizard turns a darkly distressed brown and contracts to the skinniest form possible. After doing the deed, Big Daddy climbs to the top of the fence and does a Super Bowl end zone show & tell dance with push-ups and bright red throat displays. Little Brittany makes herself invisible and slinks off to hide in the garden shed while she wonders whether to marry the creep and what to name all the kids...
4/17/04
Expansion packs
Is it REAL Life, or is it The Sims?
I think when you purchase either TurboTax or The Sims you should be able to send in your receipt from Best Buy and the UPC code from the box to get a new, more realistic expansion pack called TurboTax Sims. All the action in your Sims game should be tallied up on a running TurboTax worksheet in a pulldown window. Sim families need to suffer the tax implications of their jobs, marriages, mortgages, and little dependents.
If you check the box on your income tax return to contribute to political campaigns, you should be allowed to download The Sims Oval Office for free. Instead of all the neighbors visiting and expecting to be fed pizza when you are still moving into your new house, they should arrive for a White House briefing and press conference with their little Sim microphones and big cameras. Can't you see the Sim kids running around berserk in the Rose Garden for the traditional Easter egg roll doing their little electronic giggles?
Met your health insurance deductible? Get your bonus Sims Health Care expansion pack for just the amount of one office visit copay. Your Sims can have sonograms, MRIs, and treadmill stress tests, go broke buying prescriptions, lose time away from jobs in doctors' waiting rooms, and spend hours stuck in insurance company phone menus.
And let's talk about the music options, and get the issue out in the open. The Sims need music transfer and downloading options (with corresponding wardrobes). My Sims would not be nearly as suicidal if they could play better music. Buddy Holly Sims, Allman Bros. Sims, Led Zep Sims, U2 Sims, Deadhead Sims....
Consider the possibilities of corporate merchandising tie-ins. Buy Calgon for you, get a free download "Take Me Away" for your Sim mommy. Martha Stewart decor and party choices..."This Old House" or "Queer Eye" visit your Sims...Jimmy Buffett parrot head downloads...each Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue includes a limited edition Simsuit cd....
How will we pay for all these Sim improvements, you may wonder. By creating Nascar Sims! Every surface of your Sims' home and wardrobe wil be plastered with brand names and corporate logos. Even the schoolbus will have Dr. Pepper advertising on the side. Be sure to go shopping for your Sims to get the John Madden turkey with thirteen legs every Thanksgiving.
I think when you purchase either TurboTax or The Sims you should be able to send in your receipt from Best Buy and the UPC code from the box to get a new, more realistic expansion pack called TurboTax Sims. All the action in your Sims game should be tallied up on a running TurboTax worksheet in a pulldown window. Sim families need to suffer the tax implications of their jobs, marriages, mortgages, and little dependents.
If you check the box on your income tax return to contribute to political campaigns, you should be allowed to download The Sims Oval Office for free. Instead of all the neighbors visiting and expecting to be fed pizza when you are still moving into your new house, they should arrive for a White House briefing and press conference with their little Sim microphones and big cameras. Can't you see the Sim kids running around berserk in the Rose Garden for the traditional Easter egg roll doing their little electronic giggles?
Met your health insurance deductible? Get your bonus Sims Health Care expansion pack for just the amount of one office visit copay. Your Sims can have sonograms, MRIs, and treadmill stress tests, go broke buying prescriptions, lose time away from jobs in doctors' waiting rooms, and spend hours stuck in insurance company phone menus.
And let's talk about the music options, and get the issue out in the open. The Sims need music transfer and downloading options (with corresponding wardrobes). My Sims would not be nearly as suicidal if they could play better music. Buddy Holly Sims, Allman Bros. Sims, Led Zep Sims, U2 Sims, Deadhead Sims....
Consider the possibilities of corporate merchandising tie-ins. Buy Calgon for you, get a free download "Take Me Away" for your Sim mommy. Martha Stewart decor and party choices..."This Old House" or "Queer Eye" visit your Sims...Jimmy Buffett parrot head downloads...each Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue includes a limited edition Simsuit cd....
How will we pay for all these Sim improvements, you may wonder. By creating Nascar Sims! Every surface of your Sims' home and wardrobe wil be plastered with brand names and corporate logos. Even the schoolbus will have Dr. Pepper advertising on the side. Be sure to go shopping for your Sims to get the John Madden turkey with thirteen legs every Thanksgiving.
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