Step away from the Lunchable

...and nobody gets hurt!
Now nicknamed "The Dijon Tornado", my first day of lunchtime duty was something to write home about. That is, I had to write a note to a parent explaining that when I attempted to open the package of Dijon mustard in a student's Lunchable, it was a disaster. The mustard exploded out of the package with remarkable force all over the child's shirt and cheek, my hands and eyeglasses. It shot another assistant a full six feet away decorating her from face to knee with Poupon shrapnel, and making a mess on the floor that kids tracked through immediately. Thankfully, the child was stunned but uninjured, and the mustard missed his eye.

This particular type of Lunchable was recalled for awhile in 2004, not because of the potential for condiment projectiles, but because the mustard was replaced with a seasoned herb sauce that contained a possible egg allergen not noted on the packaging. On this day there was no doubt that the sauce packet held Grey Poupon, because the three of us smelled like mustard all afternoon!

OSCAR MAYER LUNCHABLES - DELUXE - TURKEY & HAM & SWISS & CHEDDAR seems to be the only one of the "44 different flavor combinations, and 8 varieties" that contains Dijon mustard and a green foil-wrapped Andes mint. I went to my Albertsons in hopes of obtaining one of these on which to conduct and photodocument a number of very scientific experiments, but the store seemed to be focusing on the Mega Pack Lunchables right now.

In search of packaging information about the unusual mustard container, I toured the Original Condiment Packet Museum online. I studied the mustard gallery with the same intensity I would the scarabs, butterflies, and dragonflies at the Field Museum of Chicago. And what's a trip to the museum without a browse through the gift shop? The online Condiment Packet Museum has an online gift shop so you can pick up those tote bags, coffee mugs, ball caps, and calendars to commemorate your visit. Couldn't find the mustard packet I needed to identify, but it's a nice museum and you can take the kids.



Since I'm dijoned and dangerous, pray for me with the Yoplait Go-Gurt portable yogurt tubes and my old Dr. Moriarty, those CapriSun drink pouches. At least fireworks are marked:

EMITS SHOWERS OF SPARKS
LIGHT FUSE GET AWAY FAST