How do you spell "relief"?

F- R- E- O- N ® *

At the moment I am ever so relieved to have an air conditioned condo! Yes, Freon is a chlorofluorocarbon depleting the ozone layer, but, geez, Al, the continent of Texas is uninhabitable without it.

Last night was miserable. I was working away and muttering about heat and humidity after four days in surprisingly lovely Lincoln, Nebraska. Was it climate readjustment difficulty, or just that fifty-something female thermostat challenge?

It wasn't just in my head. The thermostat said eighty-seven. The condo had been heating gradually like the parable of the frog in a kettle.** I finally fell asleep on the living room carpet, as my bedroom was unbearable. During dreams of roll-on deodorants marching across the Isthmus of Panama I tossed and turned. Roll-on, roll-up. Roll-on, roll-up.

Dad's car in Nebraska is also freon deficient. One of the windows rolls down, but not necessarily up. You have to keep driving around raising the window a quarter inch every mile or so should you forget and try to enjoy a cool evening breeze. It's as if the late Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi was instructing the "Karate Kid" to wax on, wax uh, wax uh, wax uh, wax uh, wax uh, wax uf, wax uf, wax uf, wax off, wax OFF. My car has been through this same ailment.

Fre-on, Fre-off. Fre-on, Fre-off. I tried to remain philosophical and detached while deriving many of the sweat purification benefits of the trendy hot yoga or a Swedish sauna. Woke up feeling head-achy from dehydration. I was starting to see mirages.

Look! There's Creon in Sophocle's Antigone riding on a General Mills Fruit Roll-Up. Cleon was a different Greek during the Peloponnesian War, not to be confused with Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel on The Simpsons, or to any Star Trek Klingons. In dreams fueled by last Tuesday's Dallas Morning News*** suggestion to use Febreeze on your hair for less locker room time after work-outs, I began to see the inner workings of my HVAC system being manned by sweaty, tattooed hobbits dribbling basketballs. Someone was calling, "Frodo! Frodo, come back!," like that kid in Shane.

Carry-on luggage is at the heart of this mess. Frodo is in the overheated overhead storage bin along with some frogs. I woke up half dead [see carrion, or Carry On by Kansas.]

Freon! Freon, come back with your registered trademark! Please!

*The trade name Freon ® is a registered trademark belonging to E.I. du Pont de Nemours & Company (DuPont).

**They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling, the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late. The frog's survival instincts are geared towards detecting sudden changes.

***A QUICK BRUSH-UP
Local hair stylists Melissa Renee Merket and Janelle Edwards offer these tips to keep your hair healthy and manageable – quickly – after a workout:
DO
Use Febreze on your hair to freshen up. (Yes, Febreze – it's light and non-oily and has a mild fragrance.)