FEMA vacancy

Known many Girl Scouts and Camp Fire Girls with more ability to run a disaster relief operation than George W's horses assn. buddy Mike Brown. First thing we learned about survival as Camp Fire Girls was to paint wooden matches with nail polish and store them in a metal Band-Aid box.

It's time for a woman to take charge of FEMA, George, even if the Coast Guard's Thad Allen and the Army's "Ragin' Cajun" handle the actual muddy shoes stuff. Women prepare for every contingency, George, every worst case scenario, everyday. My walking partner and I explored this concept as we waddled along our normal route Sunday. "A woman," my buddy explained, "would have made sure their were plenty of toilets. She would have trucked in the porta-potties first thing!"

• Most women have enough stuff in their purse to get a family through a weekend of lost luggage.
• Most women pack the luggage for a trip so that they have survival attire for every temperature between -10 F and 110 F.
• Many women can sing forty-seven imaginative verses of "Old MacDonald" for all the kids stranded on a freeway overpass at the same time they arrange transportation and carpools for the whole first grade class.
• Many women can arrange the luggage in the car trunk so there is enough room for Grandma's soup tureen, carefully packed full of spare socks and undies. This is at the same time their spouses are helping with the emergency evacuation by putting a six pack of Diet Coke into the freezer so will be sure to explode before departure.
• Women like to have important medical records at their fingertips. My kids have all left home, but I still have photocopies of their immunization records in my purse. I must admit I no longer have the bottle of Triaminic and the plastic spoon in the Ziplock bag in my purse. Just last year I quit carrying a photo of my ex in case I needed to ever show it to police. That is what I consider being prepared.
• Women can think a full day ahead, and have supplies and a Plan B in case their pantyhose run or the baby spits up on their shoulder.
• Women can plan a week ahead, and know which day the soccer team treats are needed. They can figure out which day is best to whip into Sam's to get the juice boxes and peanut butter crackers, with time to spare before preschool dismisses. They can keep a mental holographic chart of days, activities, field locations, transportation arrangements, and game times for up to six children.
• Women can think a minimum of one month ahead, and be prepared for inconvenient surprises. Call it a biological logistics advantage.

I don't wish to make light of the situation in the Gulf States, but I do think most women are better at emergency preparedness than men. I know all moms have more experience with crisis management than Michael Brown. Moms always have that barf bag stuffed under the car seat for when the Road of Life is twisty, congested, and under stinky water. They've been that way since their toddler first smelled the feedlot on the way to Grandma's house.

Now let's all sing that song about the duckies in the rain while we pick up the litter and put it in Mr. Trashcan. Would you like a cough drop? I just happen to have one... If I dig deep enough, I can probably find the accordian-folded rain bonnet that I started carrying in 1964. Looks to me like that levee might need some reinforcing. I'll have the kids put mud in all my old pantyhose, and we can fill that breach.