Specifications for the Perfect Purse for the Middle-aged Woman, Part One, Draft One.
Background: The U.S. retail industry has largely ignored the wishes and needs of a huge segment of the consumer population, thus forcing millions of shoppers to spend hundreds of hours every year in an absolutely futile search. The cost to the economy is not limited to the volume of lost sales, but has trickle-down effects in worker productivity, employer costs for mental health insurance coverage, and use of personal leave days. The only beneficiaries of the status quo are the makers of newsprint paper, and of those strange little packets of something you should not ingest found in purses for sale across this great country of ours.
How, then, must a purse be designed to maximize aesthetics and efficiency for the pre- and post-menopausal members of our society? What, then, must be our rallying call to action? Before this decade is out we must find the cure for Traumatic Purse Shopping Stress Disorder, henceforth TPSSD.
I offer these thoughts with the hope that this effort can be an international unifying and stabilizing force. I am willing to arrive on the deck of an aircraft carrier wearing a flight suit IF I only had the Perfect Purse. I am also threatening to host a pledge drive AND run for governor of California.
1. The perfect purse would not be deep enough that (a)you have to dig down to find the mysterious items in the bottom, or (b)large enough that things you never use move in and take up residence for years.
2. Disposable diapers should not fit because WE ARE DONE WITH THAT!!!
3. The shoulder strap should be that medium length so the bag rides between elbow and waist.
4. The surface should never be scratchy or itchy.
5. It should have those little straps with velcro for holding a key ring. [For instance, my old purse had one I used for the mailbox key. Then I didn't have to turn off the car to get the mail, and I could locate the key even in the dark since it wasn't floating around.]
6. The perfect purse would have zippered compartments for excess credit cards, feminine supplies, and pills. [We wouldn't need those antidepressants if our purse was perfect].
7. The purse must have a cellphone holster that allows us to actually hear the phone ringing when our ex-husbands call to say the child support check will be late.
8. It should also have compartments to hold pens, business cards, and the card for recording our blood pressure readings at the grocery store pharmacy.
9. You should be able to tell the front from the back (or maybe it's the left from the right) by touch alone so everything can be located in the dark, especially gum and Dramamine.
10. The lining of the perfect purse should be guaranteed against tears for twenty-five years.
11. The contents of the outside pockets should not fall down under the passenger seat when you swerve because your coffee spilled in your lap.
12. Country western embroidery and rhinestones are prohibited.
13. After years of study, U.N. Purse Emissary, Shawn, has determined that the Perfect Purse must be the size of legal paper. (a)If that isn't big enough, you need a briefcase, day-timer or a tote bag anyway. (b)My current purse is the size of letter paper, but my glasses case barely fits. (c)Purses must be brought into compliance with international treaties.
14. A 24-hr. waiting period and an ID check should be required before a consumer can purchase a purse with (a)bamboo handles, (b)fringe, (c)sharp corners, (d)poodles, (e)plush fabric, (f)macrame, (g)see-through plastic, (h)the Eiffel Tower, (i)the international symbol for a martini glass, or (j)anything that looks like it was made from the pelt of a Hells Angel or (k)his jacket.
15. All purses should be full of money instead of crumpled up paper.
No comments:
Post a Comment